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My mind is acting up again. I can feel myself cracking, breaking, squeaking on the inside with every move I make. “My head is an animal”-wise words. It does not give me a break, even when the dopamine kicks in. It constantly resumes its horrifying state every chance it gets.

Go away! Leave me alone!+

I walk around nervously through my head, trying to figure myself out, but I always end up getting lost. Cooperation is futile. It only clutches me tighter and tighter, sinking its sharp, dirty teeth into my pale flesh.

I beg it.. I beg it to stop everyday, but it just toys mercilessly with me. It feels my every troubled breath and acts accordingly.

I think people who get too close feel it. They feel its brutality, but they’re not entirely sure what they’re feeling. They see me as mysterious, as unreadable, but the fact is, I am nothing but broken.

I keep trying to find reasons for my defectuous state, but I find none. So I blame genetics. I assume it runs in my blood, through my suffocated veins. My pores absorb complexity in all its ugliness and assimilate it. My weakened organism breaks it down into its most basic components and makes up something unknown. An unknown substance. Interesting.

I can feel something that tastes like lead, excruciating, heavy beyond my powers, that just falls like dust upon my skin and pushes down, trying to eat its way inside.

What is there to do then?

It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way. Was actually wondering when my mind was going to start torturing me again.

I have noticed that I space out a lot. I think my mind has no more room for normal things, for necessary things. It is fully booked by all its terror. Its reign must seize, at once.

“My head has such a clouded view”. Yes. I’m so tired of trying..

I can just feel myself getting worse and worse. And the more I think about it, the worse it gets. But I cannot stop thinking about it. It races back and forth through my mind. Back and forth. And side to side. Occupying everything, shadowing everything. “And then, baby, it all went black”. I am still shivering, waiting for that day. And there’s nothing I can do. It is innevitable. I can not outrun myself, no matter how hard I try.

I need someone to talk to, I need that so badly. But I cannot find a proper match. Nobody is eligeable for this almighty task. It hurts sometimes, when I finally think I find someone willing to “help me unpack” my baggage, it always turns out they are not a fit. They cannot handle me. Literally. Arrogant as it seems, yes. But if even I cannot handle myself, cannot figure myself out, I cannot expect to find someone who will get me even if I don’t. Nevertheless, I’m still stupidly searching high and low. Poor, stupid little girl..